Vasectomy

Less than a week ago I got a vasectomy and based on the number of questions I’ve had to answer about it, I figured that I should write a blog explaining a little bit of my reasoning behind it and how the procedure took place.

The first and more important reason is that regardless of how much you’d like to ignore it, how much you’d like to think that it’s not your problem, or how much you’d like to think that efficient lightbulbs and a Toyota Prius is going to fix it, this planet we live on is dying. We are slashing and burning the rainforest, melting the polar ice caps, we are pouring billions of tons of harmful industrial byproducts into our oceans and filling our skies with smog. You would be astounded at the sheer number of resources that it takes for you to do something as trivial as flushing the toilet.

The fact is, that nearly every human being on this planet is using an astronomical amount of resources, an amount that is unsustainable by any reasonable calculation. Even us vegans who are doing our own small part with our lifestyle to use fewer resources (animal products use more land and water to produce than vegan options) are still using more than our fair share per person.

While minimizing the resources that we use as individuals by going vegan is the first and easiest step to take as individuals, the more important and much much more difficult step to take is to make a commitment not to procreate. By bringing another person into the world, you are not only responsible for the resources that your child will consume, but the resources that their children will consume. Even if you lived a life that was by ecological standards totally sustainable, every thing you ever worked for would be counterbalanced by your child.

I know that people think that if you are Vegan and work to minimize your impact on the Earth, you can raise your kids to make the same decisions and that by propagating these good ideas you make your positive impact that way. But realistically who do you know that turned out the way their parents planned for them to turn out? I don’t know a single person who carried on the way their parents lived their lives. Some of us tried to be better, most of us probably ended up worse.

Bringing another person into the world is just too big of a gamble. I am vegan, straight edge, and I’ve never owned a car in my life. And if I have one child who rejects everything I believe in the same way that I rejected everything my parents believed, then my entire life will be canceled out by the actions of my child. Then as my children procreate, I’m responsible for the behavior of their children and their children.

Besides the ecological arguments, I also just hate children. I hate babies, they cry, shit themselves, and ruin your life. I’m not interested in spending my nights waking up at all hours to feed and soothe a flabby ball of flesh. I’m not interested in taking my baby to restaurants to scream and cry and ruin the evenings of everyone around me. I’m not interested in spending thousands of dollars on stupid shit to take care of a child just so that it can destroy my entire lifestyle. I’m not interested in insomnia, frustration, and giving up my dreams to raise some stupid little person that can’t do anything right.

I hate when people tell me stories about “cute” shit their kids did. It’s never cute or funny or endearing. It’s stupid and annoying and not interesting to anyone who isn’t related to the little shit. Children age you, and I’m not interested in looking fifty when I’m thirty. I’m not interested in surrendering the best years of my life to being a slave to someone who will never appreciate it.

The myth of the normal American life where you fall in love with “the one” and get married in a church and settle down and have a family doesn’t interest me. I don’t believe in love, I don’t believe in God, and I don’t think having children will fulfill me at all, I think it will prevent me from doing all the things I love. While you’re paying for braces and school clothes, I’ll be jet-setting to Africa to dig wells and surfing in Hawaii and getting sweet tattoos and going on tour and shit, and you’ll be jealous.

(Stop reading here if you don’t want to read a detailed explanation of the surgery itself).

Let me preface my description of the surgery by saying that my best friend got a vasectomy two months prior at the same location and his surgery was slightly different and less painful. There are evidently a couple of ways to perform a vasectomy. My doctor chose the more painful route, which all in all wasn’t quite that painful for that long.

They ask you to shave your balls beforehand, you come in and they check your blood pressure, ask you a few questions, then ask you to undress from the waist down and lie down on a table. The doctor gives you a cursory examination and then washes you with some sort of maroon coloured disinfectant. The doctor then covers you up for the most part with some papery blue sheets, with just your balls exposed.

First he gives you a numbing shot in your scrotum that numbs the outside skin, that kinda pinches but isn’t bad. Then he makes a small incision and pulls the vas deferens (it’s a little tube that looks like spaghetti) out through the hole just a little bit. That’s the most painful part is the pulling of the vas out, it hurts so bad I almost threw up, but it only last for a little bit, it’s more or less like you got kicked in the balls with a jackhammer. He then puts a numbing shot in the vas which pinches a bit and you don’t feel anything after that. The doctor then cuts about 1.5 centimeters out of the vas then puts tiny titanium clamps on the severed ends, and tucks then back inside.

He then repeats the exact same procedure on the other side, for some reason though the second time it doesn’t hurt as bad, I guess some of the numbing agent spreads and deadens some of the pain on the other side, but it still does hurt a bit the second time he pulls out the vas.

Depending on the size of the incision, they may or may not put stitches in the incisions. I have one stitch on the right side but none on the left side.

Afterwards they clean you and wash off the maroon stuff (which the doctor told me gets itchy if they leave it on) and help you slide on your athletic supporter — they ask you to bring one — and your pants (I’d suggest shorts). And give you some condoms and an ice pack and some aftercare instructions. The pain afterwards isn’t bad at all, just like soreness.

I confined myself to bed for the bulk of the day after my surgery not because I was in that bad of pain, but because I was afraid that if I did exert myself I would be in a lot of pain later so I tried to take it easy. Two days after my surgery I was able to walk about two miles throughout the day to get lunch and shit, and now four days after the surgery I feel more or less fine. I stopped wearing my athletic supporter today and besides a little localised soreness where the incisions are still healing I feel completely fine.

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